disclaimer: there is so much happening here sometimes i think my brain might explode, so i’m sorry if all my posts for the next four months begin to sound crazy and confusing. sometimes there are things that i just need to say so that they won’t be in my head anymore, and it’s crazy up there.
so. i’ve been here a week now(well in like 8 hours), and it feels like it’s already been a year. every day i wake up and feel weird. i know that’s not a helpful adjective, but i honestly can’t think of any other way to describe it. soon after that i feel excited; i think this is mostly because of Aline who intentionally speaks slow enough for me to understand, is willing to repeat or say it in english after, and encourage me when i say things right or understand. she’s like a mom and the one day i wasn’t with her i felt kind of lost and sad…that’s probably both good and bad. later in the day at some point i feel discouraged (more on this later) because i’m not where i want to be communication-wise. i also feel sad sometimes, either because there are people here who remind me of people at home and i wish they could be here or because every day feels so long i feel like it’s time to go home, and then i feel tired around 4pm because constantly thinking and learning and feeling really does wear you out. it’s hard being here; i love it, but it’s hard.
so let me tell you why all of that is on my mind today. this morning we went to church, and i guess i was kind of tired still from New Year’s, but i couldn’t understand any of the message. i mean none. and usually i can get chunks of what’s being said around me to understand what’s happening and then catch important words to keep up, but if i never start out knowing what’s happening, there’s no way i can catch up. it’s also a lot more difficult for me to hear and understand than read and understand. so i was really discouraged, and when people notice that i’m discouraged it embarrasses me and then i’m more embarrassed for being embarrassed (it’s so hard being me), so my friends noticed (i imagine i must have looked lost and confused and maybe a little wounded because i didn’t tell them, but they asked) and encouraged me and told me i’d only been here 7 days, i would learn etc. etc. and it made me want to cry. i don’t know why, but if i had to guess i would say that it has something to do with the fact that i get more emotional when i’m tired.
later in the day i was thinking about this because Adriano’s parents (Aline’s husband) took us to see all the best views in this city and the ones nearby and i had time to think. i will expand on that later actually because it’s going to make the post shift into a different direction and i don’t want your brain to be like mine-crazy and discombobulated- so just know i’m still crazy and even though i just started a new year in a new country, you probably shouldn’t expect that to change .