Valentine’s Eve.

I’m about to tread dangerous, likely to be misunderstood sinking sand ground here, but in honor of all my years of experience, I’d like to share a few tidbits (a word about which I have been conflicted over for many many moons).

Things you shouldn’t say to your single friends tomorrow:

These are unfortunately all based off of actual things that people (any resemblance of chosen gifs to actual people real or imagined is completely coincidental and actually I’m just lying now because it’s probably really, really intentional) have said to me along the way. Bless their hearts.

1. “I just want you to be as happy as I am.” -the completely clueless friend who also thinks that roses are romantic.

2. “Do you want me to drop you off some ice cream and a movie?” -the secretly selfish friend who might not rub her impending dinner plans in, but is absolutely not staying in to hang out with your lame self. She knows you can’t not cry during the notebook and there’s no way you’re getting tears on her new red dress. This is also the kind of friend who would wear a red dress. Wait, why are you even friends with this person again?

3. “Let’s celebrate Galentines’ Day!” -the, surprisingly (not surprisingly) also single friend who probably likes to talk about how Hallmark invented Valentine’s Day and likely starts complaining about V-day mid-December. *Warning, if you even think you hear this person utter “Single Awareness Day” under their breathe, you’re already a dead man walking.This person is bad juju for your love-life kharma-tically speaking.

4. “Maybe next year we can go on a double date” -a psychopath. Seriously, who who would even plan their holidays a year in advance? I mean, if you’re at all like me and think that meal-planning people have been gifted with super-hero type powers, this is impossible to fathom. (Also, who said I liked your boyfriend enough to double-date him, hypothetical, not at all real person?!) Unless we’re talking about Thanksgiving in Harry Potter World, in which case, plan away, I love you guys, Clara and KB!

5. “Are you sad” -a condescending person who clearly wants you to never talk to them again. I mean, when confronted with this question, I just assumed that this person was tired of my shenanigans and had finally devised the perfect way to get rid of my presence in their life; well played, ex-friend, well-played. (if that wasn’t the intention, well I’m not sorry, you’re still the worst, and hopefully you don’t read this blog)

But don’t worry, I’m not the kind of girl who would leave you with only a list of don’ts; that’s too much pressure! Let’s counter it with some dos.

Here are some things you should say to your single friends:
1. I forgot today was Valentine’s Day!
2. I brought you this taco!
3. I brought you this chocolate!
4. I brought you this beverage of your favorite choice!
5. You’re cool.
(Seriously, single people like the same things un-single people like. MIND BLOWN, RIGHT?!)

And if you don’t do dumb things, your friends won’t end up like this:

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